**38**

Those few seconds of memory were missing. If Ning Zhi had to describe it, she could probably only use the cliché of a complete blank in her mind.

She didn’t dare to linger and quickly retreated. Her eardrums were ringing so loudly she couldn’t hear anything, her head felt blood-filled and dizzy, and her breathing was so intense she couldn’t calm down.

Suddenly, she saw Shen Yizhi’s eyelashes flutter; they trembled just once and then stopped, and his breathing was much lighter than before.

He was awake.

Her bloodshot head instantly felt like it was exploding and went dark; Ning Zhi was panic-stricken and completely at a loss.

But when people are most flustered, they seem especially prone to calming down.

In just a moment, Ning Zhi understood Shen Yizhi’s intention: she wanted to pretend not to know.

Pretend not to know, and then? Then inevitably there would be a seamless distancing, with ready-made excuses—she’s busy, missing a few calls, missing a few appointments is understandable. After that, they would naturally lose contact.

Ning Zhi did not want it to be like this.

She hid her love, afraid that Shen Yizhi would find out, but when she revealed her feelings, those long-suppressed emotions burst out wildly.

Countless thoughts collided, and she made a sound, her voice trembling: “Shen Yizhi.”

This call broke Shen Yizhi’s silence, exposing her intention to pretend not to know.

Shen Yizhi had no choice but to open her eyes. Her gaze toward Ning Zhi was full of unfamiliarity. Ning Zhi’s heart tightened, awaiting her judgment.

Shen Yizhi’s first words were: “When did it start?”

Her tone was calm and indifferent; she had never spoken to Ning Zhi in such a manner before.

Ning Zhi hurriedly looked up and glanced at her. Seeing her icy expression, her thoughts became chaotic, and it took her a moment to find her voice: “It started when you helped me with the parent-teacher meeting.”

Hearing her mention the parent-teacher meeting, Shen Yizhi seemed to recall something, and her cold expression softened a bit. She spoke gently, “Are you sure you’re mistaken? You just rely on me, it’s not like that kind of…”

She seemed unable to find the words to describe what Ning Zhi had done to her; in Ning Zhi’s eyes, it was something hard to speak of. Her feelings for Shen Yizhi, in Shen Yizhi’s view, were something shameful, something that couldn’t be seen by others.

“At your age, it’s normal to be curious about these things, and it’s easy to confuse your feelings. Spend more time with other classmates, play more with peers, distract yourself. Later on, when you look back, you might even think it was just a silly childhood thing.” Like a gentle older sister, she analyzed and comforted, reducing Ning Zhi’s affection to illusion and curiosity, completely denying Ning Zhi’s feelings.

Ning Zhi felt as if a bucket of ice water had been poured over her head, her heart turning cold, yet it didn’t extinguish the wildly growing stubbornness in her heart like weeds. She looked at Shen Yizhi and said firmly, word by word, “It’s not an illusion, not curiosity. I’ve liked you for a long time. I’ve explored my feelings many times. I’m sure I like you. It’s not a momentary impulse, and I won’t regret it when I grow up.”

She was so important to her, how could she treat her with ambiguous feelings? How could she direct the curiosity of youth towards her? Every bit of her attention was certain, unregretted, and never looking back.

But Shen Yizhi obviously did not want her affection. After seeing Ning Zhi’s stubbornness, she stood up, remembered something, and took out the safety charm to return it to Ning Zhi: “If this is how you feel, then I can’t accept this.”

Ning Zhi took it blankly, gripping it tightly in her hand, her heart shattered into pieces.

“Ning Ning.” After saying this, Shen Yizhi fell into a long silence.

At that time, Ning Zhi was naive and only felt that time dragged on unbearably, that everything was over. But in the six years that followed, she repeatedly recalled those moments and finally sensed some difficulty, hesitation, and reluctance in Shen Yizhi’s silence.

Shen Yizhi stood in front of her, hesitated for a long time, and then said, “You’re too young now. The most important thing is to study well. As for matters of the heart, when you grow up, there will be many opportunities, and you will meet better and more suitable people.”

She paused before saying, “But I am not that person.”

She refused without leaving any room for doubt, clearly and explicitly telling Ning Zhi that she did not like her, would never like her in the future, and that there was no possibility between them.

Did not leave Ning Zhi any illusions.

Only after Shen Yizhi left did Ning Zhi collapse weakly. After about ten minutes, she heard noises outside and hurriedly leaned on the windowsill to look. Shen Yizhi got into the car in the night.

Ning Zhi watched the car disappear into the darkness, and only then did she belatedly realize—what were they going to do from now on?

The weekly calls were gone, the frequent messages were gone, Shen Yizhi had unilaterally cut off all contact between them.

Ning Zhi was naturally unwilling to give up. After waiting for two weeks, she finally mustered the courage one night to call Shen Yizhi. After quite a while, Shen Yizhi answered the phone reluctantly.

“I already made myself very clear that day,” she said coldly.

Listening to Shen Yizhi’s voice, Ning Zhi felt that even though it had only been two weeks, it seemed like a very long time since she last heard it.

Stung by Shen Yizhi’s coldness, she was silent for a moment before asking, “You’re not going to get in touch anymore?”

When she asked this question, her voice was very low. It was hard to tell whether it was regret, sadness, or reluctant attachment, but as the words spread through the silence between them, Ning Zhi felt a suffocating tightness in her chest.

Shen Yizhi took a long moment before speaking. Her tone softened considerably, as if she had let go, carefully choosing her words: “Wait, wait for a while, wait until you grow up a bit, until your feelings for me fade, then come find me.”

Ning Zhi thought that might never happen, but she couldn’t say that—if she did, Shen Yizhi would get angry.

She could only try her best to stay calm and say in an ordinary tone, “Isn’t it fine if we just stay like before? I won’t bring this up anymore, never again. Let’s just pretend it never happened and be like we were before, okay?”

Like before?” Shen Yizhi murmured, repeating the words, then gave a soft laugh. “Like before, when I treated you like a sister and cared for you, what did you think of me? I rearranged my schedule for days, freed up one night to come back and celebrate your birthday, and how did you treat me?

Even across the great distance, Ning Zhi could imagine the disappointed expression on Shen Yizhi’s face. She was speechless and could only say a useless sorry.

The call naturally ended on an unhappy note.

Ning Zhi felt that Shen Yizhi definitely disliked her, but she still couldn’t help herself.

In the past, when Shen Yizhi was busy, they would contact each other once a week, and Ning Zhi never felt tortured because she knew that once Shen Yizhi finished being busy, she would reach out to her. She just needed to wait obediently.

But now, she was restless every moment. She kept reaching out to Shen Yizhi every now and then. Shen Yizhi had given her a schedule, with her upcoming plans listed on it, so Ning Zhi roughly knew when she would be free.

They no longer had the ease they once did; most of the time when the phone was answered, there was silence. Shen Yizhi, with a good temper, would at most say things like, “What do you take me for?” “You’re only a few years old, do you really understand what liking someone means?” “Don’t think about these things, focus on your studies.”

But Ning Zhi could feel the growing barrier between them.

She was flustered and helpless, trying not to mention it at all, attempting to only talk about everyday matters like before, trying not to bother her for many days in a row, and even promising there would be no next time—that she wouldn’t do anything to make her dislike her again.

But it was all useless; the estrangement was already there, and no matter what she did, it was no use.

After her feelings were exposed, everything she did was wrong, everything was unsatisfactory, because her feelings were considered a mistake.

Until the day of the final exam, she saw on the TV at the school store the news that the car Shen Yizhi was in had collided with another vehicle, and terror instantly overwhelmed her.

She hurriedly called Shen Yizhi, but no one answered.

Holding the phone, her hands were trembling.

Sitting in the exam room, she couldn’t calm down no matter what. She barely absorbed what she wrote on the test paper, and she didn’t know what she had written. Her heart was pounding all morning until she finally received a call from Shen Yizhi at noon.

“I’m fine, just a rear-end collision.”

The overwhelming panic subsided, Ning Zhi’s limbs went weak, but she found herself unable to say anything.

“It’s good that nothing happened.”

Shen Yizhi sighed, “You see, even if something had happened to me today, there’s nothing you could do. You’re still young; you should focus on your studies, making friends, and your hobbies…”

She was earnestly advising her, but Ning Zhi only heard the words “nothing you could do.” She couldn’t think of any rebuttal—she really couldn’t do anything.

After going through this period of struggle, the thought that had long been buried deep in her heart finally burst out uncontrollably.

She didn’t deserve to like her.

What could she do for her? Nothing at all.

Even something as simple as going to the temple to pray for a safety charm for her, she had messed up.

Shen Yizhi didn’t need her either; it was she who, like a drowning person clutching at a piece of driftwood, desperately clung to Shen Yizhi. Shen Yizhi didn’t need her.

After that day, Ning Zhi decided to listen to Shen Yizhi and not contact him for the time being. When this matter had faded in the future, she would try to see if she could be a friend who occasionally checked in.

But after a few days, Shen Yizhi came back.

She was very angry and knocked on her door.

Grandma asked nervously, “What’s wrong? Is Ningning okay?”

Shen Yizhi glanced at her and smiled, saying to Grandma, “No, I have something to discuss with Ningning. It’s urgent and a bit pressing, but nothing serious.”

She comforted her grandmother and took her downstairs.

She remembered that day was very cold, with light rain falling, and the chill was piercing.

Shen Yizhi, suppressing his anger, asked her, “What’s going on with your final exam ranking?”

Ning Zhi was momentarily stunned, then quickly explained, “I didn’t perform well on the final exam, but I’ve learned the material very thoroughly.”

She was unwilling to speak because she was worried about her, which made it seem like she was both making excuses and trying to gain her sympathy.

But Shen Yizhi looked very angry: “Your homeroom teacher called me, saying that you’ve been very inattentive lately, daydreaming in class, doing your homework carelessly, and your final ranking has dropped by more than two hundred places. Is this just a matter of not performing well?”

Ning Zhi didn’t know how to explain and could only say, “It really was just a bad exam performance. If you don’t believe me, you’ll see next time. My ranking will come back next time.”

Shen Yizhi did not believe it and looked at her seriously.

She had no credibility with her, Ning Zhi did not dare to meet her gaze and lowered her head.

She felt Shen Yizhi’s gaze fall on the top of her head, probably even more disappointed in her.

Shen Yizhi paused for a moment, then slowly said, “Your parents don’t seem like the type to take care of you, and grandma is already old. In the future, you’ll have to rely on yourself. You have nothing right now, so if you keep thinking about these pointless things and don’t study hard, what will you do later?”

She didn’t believe that she was simply not in a good state; she felt that her feelings were trivial and insignificant.

Ning Zhi was sometimes quite stubborn. Once she liked Shen Yizhi, she would like her forever and never change in this lifetime. When her feelings were known, she could promise never to mention it again, promise never to cross the line, still be her little neighbor, her little sister, but she would never deny that she liked Shen Yizhi.

For example, at this moment, even though she had decided to listen to Shen Yizhi and not contact her for the time being, upon hearing her say that, Ning Zhi still raised her head, looked into her eyes, and corrected her: “It’s not nonsense, I like you, it’s not nonsense.”

She saw Shen Yizhi’s lips pressed tightly together, her brows and eyes filled with anger. After holding back again and again, she finally couldn’t suppress her anger: “What right do you have to talk to me about liking? I’m already fed up with you. Can you be a little more sensible?”

The light in Ning Zhi’s eyes completely went out. She wasn’t too surprised to hear such words. She had been entangled with Shen Yizhi for so long, had endured her for so long, and had already done all she could.

But hearing it for real was still very painful.

“I really have no right to talk to you about liking you, nor do I deserve for you to like me, but Shen Yizhi, I have never once hoped that you would respond to me.”

She spoke softly, curling the corner of her lips, not daring to look at Shen Yizhi, and earnestly promised, “Don’t worry, I won’t bother you anymore.”

I have disturbed you for so long, but I will never trouble you again.

Ning Zhineng couldn’t do much for her, but this one thing, she accomplished.

She studied very hard, not giving the homeroom teacher another chance to complain to Shen Yizhi. She watched her from afar but never approached again. She didn’t call anymore, didn’t knock on the door opposite, and on very rare occasions when Shen Yizhi came home, she avoided her, not wanting to be an eyesore in front of her.

But Grandma somehow noticed. Before she participated in the talent show, she asked her, “Is it because of Shen Yizhi?”

Grandma knew, and she didn’t mean to blame her. Ning Zhi couldn’t hide it either, so she admitted, “It’s because of her. I want to see if I can catch up to her.”

Catch up to her, but never thought about what to do next. It was just the last path she left for herself many years ago. The idea of being a friend that Shen Yizhi occasionally greets still popped up from time to time.

To be friends, first of all, there has to be equality. She had to catch up to her first.

Grandma was very worried, but Ning Zhi smiled: “Besides, being a singer is very profitable. Grandma, just wait for me a year or two, and when I make money, I’ll buy you a big house to live in.”

Her optimistic attitude put Grandma at ease.

She was indeed quite successful and progressed quickly, but she was still far behind Shen Yizhi. Grandma didn’t wait for one or two years; she passed away six months after Ning Zhi became famous, never seeing the big house.

Ning Zhi couldn’t sleep, so she sat up.

She was a bit thirsty and glanced at the time; it was past midnight.

She got up and went outside to pour herself a drink.

As the water poured from the kettle, Ning Zhi suddenly remembered that her reunion with Shen Yizhi had been very hasty—at the hospital, rushed and chaotic, without even a proper greeting.

Just then, Shen Yizhi came out of the bedroom. Ning Zhi’s hand holding the cup tightened as she turned to look. Shen Yizhi walked over, glanced at her, and asked with concern, “Can’t sleep because you’re not used to the bed?”

She used to have trouble sleeping in unfamiliar beds. Once, when her grandmother went on a long trip, she was home alone and felt a bit scared, so she went to find Shen Yizhi. Because of her bed recognition issue, she tossed and turned for a long time without falling asleep. In the end, Shen Yizhi held her, gently patting her like soothing a child to sleep: “Don’t move, close your eyes, you’ll fall asleep soon.”

At that time, she had just realized her feelings. Being held like that, she didn’t dare to move at all and stayed stiff almost the entire night.

She thought of the past and involuntarily softened her gaze, her eyes showing dependence and obsession. Shen Yizhi was momentarily stunned, then took her to the side to sit down, asking helplessly, “Are you mistaking me for Ruan Yinmeng again?”

Only in front of the camera would Ning Zhi look at her with such eyes, not with the usual distance and defensiveness.

Shen Yizhi misunderstood, but Ning Zhi didn’t dare to correct him.

She liked her when she was fourteen, and at twenty her feelings remained unchanged. It was just that her courage had all been used up six years ago. Now, she didn’t even have the nerve to admit she liked her, only daring to secretly tell herself “I love her very much” when no one was around.

She accepted it by default, and Shen Yizhi was momentarily silent.